That’s right you guys…there isn’t just one season of Real Housewives for me to recap for you every week, as of Sunday, there’s TWO! Real Housewives of New Jersey is back. Try to contain your excitement.
When we left off with the jerseyliscious ladies last year, they all hated Theresa, they all were super tan, and half of them were going bankrupt. Ready? Let’s go!
The first episode of the season opened with the ladies reacting to the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. Melissa sums it up by saying, “Sandy, you’re a bitch.” The matriarch of the show, Carolyn, shared home video of her family organizing donations for those affected. Melissa, Kathy, and Theresa – the housewives who own second homes at the Jersey Shore, inspect their now ruined vacation homes. Theresa doesn’t take long into the season to grace us with her first grammatical deuce when talking about how high the water was in the home, “I definitely would have drownded.” Joe and Theresa express how thankful they are for Hurricane Sandy because it brought their construction business a lot of work. Lovely sentiment, you two.
The largest story arch for the show is the ongoing feud between Theresa and her brother Joey. This season opens up with them still not talking and neither side admitting that they have done anything wrong. The only people on either side that show any real emotion and remorse are the kids who miss hanging out with their cousins. Melissa and Theresa try to plan a play date with their two young girls through a back-and-forth text message battle. Theresa’s husband Joe advises her to not compromise with that “stank ass biatch.”
Caroline invites Joey and Melissa to her new apartment in Hoboken that they are trying out for a year before they sell their giant house in the suburbs. In another part of town, Theresa and Joe are out for a romantic dinner where he whispers sweet nothings to her such as this gem, “I don’t know if it’s the wine, but you’re looking better and better.” Romantic.
Later, Carolyn comes over to Jacqueline’s to dish on Melissa and Theresa’s feud. A frustrated Jacqueline laments on how sick she is of hearing about their drama, “It’s right up there on my priority list with bleaching my a**hole.” So…important or not important? I’m not quite sure.
Theresa takes her eleven year old daughter clothing shopping, having her try on snake print shorts and skin-tight skirts. Her daughter admits to her that she likes a guy, calls her by her first name instead of Mom, and takes over Theresa’s still on-going text battle with Melissa. Like, you know, all normal eleven year olds do with their mothers.
Melissa and Theresa meet to get their daughters together for a play date after finally resolving their text battle. The tension between Melissa and Theresa is palpable, but it’s sweet to see the cousins so excited to see each other. Melissa spends the entire play date micromanaging the girls’ bracelet making until she and Theresa realize they’ve scheduled baptism parties for their youngest children on the same day. Religious drama ya’ll!
Concerned about how he is handling the feud, Carolyn asks Joey (Melissa’s husband) out to coffee. Joey convinces her to become part of the drama again and talk Theresa into making up with Melissa. Carolyn pep talks him until he breaks down in tears outside the coffee shop.
The show ends with clips from the upcoming season including lots of tears, screaming, accusations, and even a much anticipated fist fight between the two Joes.
You guys ready?! See you next week!