My name is Valerie Giroux and I like trash television.
Whew, that felt good to get off my chest!
Now, let’s talk about one of my favorite trashy shows – Real Housewives of Orange County.
The Real Housewives of OC is the godmother of the giant Real Housewives family and has been entertaining trash lovers like me for years. If you’ve never watched it before, here’s all you need to know: they’re rich, they’re thin, they’ve all got fake boobs, and they all hate each other. Ready? Let’s go!
This week on Real Housewives of OC, the show opens the way most reality tv shows do – with characters in groups re-hashing what happened in last week’s episode.
The two uber Christian housewives Lydia and Alexis meet for coffee and Lydia attempts to convince Alexis to patch things up with the other ladies because, “That’s what we’re called to do.” The show’s resident villain Tamara and the token brunette Heather meet at Tamara’s for what looks like water served in wine glasses to talk about the other women, Heather’s arguments with her husband, and sex in the pantry.
Vicki and her newly lifted face have an awkward lunch with her ex-boyfriend Brooks where they both warn each other, “You don’t want to piss me off.” Awww the romance.
Tamara, who has been tapped to speak at the LA Women’s Expo, meets with a speech coach to prepare. Her coach informs her that the number one fear in most people is speaking in public.
I would guess most people’s number one fear would have something to do with death, but what do I know?
The speech coach “spontaneously” tells Tamara she should tell her story at the expo, inspiring her to share secrets she hasn’t in the 7 years she’s been on the show making her immediately burst into tears. Planned by the producers? Probably. Good tv? Definitely.
New girl, Lydia, takes the show into her home where she admits to her husband that she hasn’t done a load of laundry since they moved into their new house and tells the camera, “I don’t make dinner, I make reservations.”
She and her husband then discuss the ongoing issues with her pot smoking, fairy dust throwing, mother. And yes, I mean that literally. Her mother likes to throw fairy dust aka glitter all over anyone she comes in contact with to bless them. In other words, she’s reality tv gold.
Gretchen, the unmarried Barbie doll of the housewives, goes to the doctor to check to see if she’s fertile enough to make a baby with her much older, just recently employed, boyfriend. She spends the first five minutes of her doctor’s visit asking which tools in the room are going to be put inside her. During the ultrasound, the doctor describes her insides as lush and pleasantly plump; only in Orange County.
Vicki finds out that her son-in-law is being sent to Afghanistan; leaving his newborn son and his wife behind in Vicki’s home. Vicki coins yet another new word when talking about her relationship with her son-in-law – uncomfortableness. If nothing else, this show is always good for your blonde girl vocabulary.
In an attempt to make up from an old fight, Heather’s husband takes her out for dinner. Her husband apologizes for not supporting her acting career, calling himself an idiot and jerk. In a rare touching moment on the show, he gives her a heartfelt card that brings her to tears.
Alexis, also known around the internet as Jesus Jugs, is barely in this episode. In of her only clips, she visits her husband at their latest business venture – an indoor trampoline/bouncy house venue. She immediately refuses to flip or jump in case she punctures her “goods.”
Tamara heads off to the expo armed with a skintight dress, sky-high heels, and recently face-lifted mother. She starts her speech with a few jokes that completely tank. She then moves onto the serious part of her speech, immediately breaking into tears. She admits to early sexual activity, a teenage pregnancy, a divorce by 21, and a suicide attempt. It’s a rare real moment for the show’s outspoken villain and would have been a lot more meaningful if she hadn’t ended it with, “Strong is the new skinny.”
Lydia meets with her sparkly, pot-smoking mother to learn how to cook lasagna. She laments that her mother never taught her how to do anything useful like cook because she was too busy teaching them how to pick flowers and throw the petals in the air. She has a heart-to-heart with her mother agreeing not to nag her about smoking pot anymore.
Next week, the women get hammered in Puerto Vallarta for Tamara’s bachelorette party.